After...(5 minute Friday)

After 28 years of marriage, 3 kids, multiple dogs, college, graduations, etc..etc..etc..I found myself often discontent. After all this time, after the kids leave, then what? I look at the man I'd married and I wondered what I'd feel after the last kiddo left (which was fast approaching). We were at 2 gone, one to go.

After numerous bouts of unemployment and underemployment, I found myself so frustrated with him. After all this time, why couldn't he build a career, support the family, make some money? After 28 years, I found myself not trusting him.

After all this time, I knew this was wrong. There had to be trust in a marriage. But I didn't trust him to do what he was supposed to be doing. I didn't treat him with respect because of the lack of trust. He wasn't fulfilling the role I thought he should be playing. Soon, I wondered if I even loved him. I prayed for God to help me love him. I knew God had a plan...and He could restore the love. I prayed Jeremiah 29:11 (For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.) We were approaching a disaster...I clung to the fact that God had a plan. I knew God could "fix" my husband because of Jeremiah 32:17 (O Sovereign Lord! You made the heavens and earth by your strong hand and powerful arm. Nothing is too hard for you!)

After that, as God is known to do, my epiphany struck. What is this wasn't about my husband? What if it was about me? What if God was using this situation to change me and make me more like Him? After that, I prayed harder. Show me Lord. Help me trust my husband.
After a while (a long while: 2 years), the husband was finally working again. But still, the trust wasn't there. I figured: about darn time!

After that, something happened to me. I had already been struggling with a hearing loss. It was progressive and getting worse over the last 5 years. But something happened in the spring and it took a really bad turn. I am now profoundly deaf. This is very upsetting, obviously. How on earth was life going to continue as normal? Perhaps God didn't want my "normal." My awesome husband stepped in and stepped up. He's made my doctor's appointments. He's called resources. He's dealt with all the issues that come along with a deaf wife. He's told me we'd figure this out together and do whatever it takes to manage.

After all of this, I find myself with the greatest sense of peace. After seeing this man demonstrate his love and commitment to me, my icy heart melted. I look at him and know he's there for me, and he's got me taken care of. I'm not sure when the trust snuck back into me...but it's there. I look at him and I know that I trust him absolutely and completely. I can't hear much with my ears...it's all muffled and garbled, but I'm learning to hear with my heart. I don't need ears to hear my heavenly Father, who has recently said, "Here is this man I have given you to love and to trust." After all these years, what a blessing.

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